Kaiba and the Clone Wars
by Queen Galux
Summary: Kaiba has a new plan to defeat Yugi: he's gonna clone himself! :Oneshot:


disclaimer: i don't own yugioh, nor do i own Windows Media Player, Paint, Hello Kitty, cloning technology... so let's just say i don't own anything and go from there?

When I was at an anime convention, there were so many cool cosplayers (must keep camera on me at all times), but the ones that stood out were three Kaiba cosplayers all standing in a row right next to each other. I thought, 'That has got to be the scariest thing in the world!' but then the thought came to me: would Kaiba ever try to clone himself? This story expands on that theory, pre-Battle City times...

* * *

Kaiba and the Clone Wars

Kaiba idly sat by his computer, drawing scribbles and chicken scratches on his Paint program, thinking about the impending defeat he'd receive from his rival Yugi in his own tournament. _Bad thoughts, bad! I need to keep my confidence and arrogance levels up!_

The business executive looked into the testing room with his beloved technology showing his mental excellence. _Obelisk is not enough to beat Yugi, I need another edge. But what?_ He opened a file on his computer entitled 'old plans'.

First came a clip of Exodia attacking Kaiba on his own field, "Exodia obliterate!" Kaiba cringed at the coma-like look on his face after the attack. _Ouch. That one really hurt. I didn't even see it coming! Doesn't count._

Next a clip came from the duel between the 'evil' in Kaiba in Duelist Kingdom. "No! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" came from the twin as he was again defeated. _Th-that wasn't me! It was some imposter Pegasus hired! NEXT!_

He fast-forwarded to the part where he was attacking Yugi with his Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon. "HAHHAHHHHAHHHAHAHAH!" he grinned, hearing his own laugh through the computer's speakers. _Ah, much better motivation._ He rewound the clip to watch his victory over Yugi several dozen times before Mokuba sauntered into the room.

"Nii-sama, why must you do that at five in the morning?" the ebony haired boy yawned in his chibi-Blue Eyes pajamas and parked his little Mokie-butt on a chair.

Kaiba sweatdropped, "It helps me think! I can't concentrate on defeating my nemesis if I feel like crud!" Resentfully he closed the Media Player.

"I thought that's what the doodling did," Mokuba pointed to the picture of what looked like two stick figures with little monsters next to them, the brown haired one with red x's for eyes and the multicolored haired one jumping up and down in glee.

"No!" corrected Kaiba, "This is for designing and planning the defeat of Yugi. I can't concentrate on this without feeling like an arrogant clod!" he furiously scribbled in black over the multicolored hair boy's face. "There! You see? Now I have to start again!" he vehemently clicked the New button and didn't save the defeated picture.

Mokuba kicked his legs back and forth in boredom, watching his brother draw, until he heard the phone ring. Seeing that Seto wasn't going to pick up the phone, the little brother picked it up, "Konnichiwa, you have reached Kaiba Corporation, founder and sponsor of the Battle City tournament and the best technological company in the entire country of Japan, this is Mokuba Kaiba, how may I help you?" Holding the phone a foot away from his ear, he heard the rather loud and annoyed voice of a customer filing a complaint. "Yes sir, I understand, would you like me to redirect you to our complaint hotline?" More yelling. "I see, you've been waiting for a few weeks… yes sir… yes. Goodbye."

Mokuba hung up. Walking over to his brother, he spun the chair around so they were face to face, "That was one of our best customers saying that he was going to take his business elsewhere because he hasn't gotten his problem fixed for THREE WEEKS! I know this tournament's _so_ important with your whole _honor _and _dignity_ and how you have to beat Yugi and all that jazz, but let me tell you something: I CAN'T LIVE ON HONOR AND DIGNITY! You've been slacking and we're going to starve and get thrown out of our own business and we'll end up on the street and then one day we'll be asking Yugi to help us, but of course he won't because he'll have a grudge against you for beating him!"

"I can't help it!" Kaiba slammed his head on the desk, causing him to pause and hold his head in pain, "I can't help it, it's not like I can be in two places at once." He held his head in his hands before looking up, a demented grin on his face, "THAT'S IT!" hopping out of his seat he hugged Mokuba and ran around the room happily, "That's how I can beat Yugi!"

Mokuba's eyes rolled around in his head, "How's that?"

Kaiba dashed out of the room, but not before sticking his head back in and saying, "I'll clone myself!"

…

Mokuba anime-tripped onto the floor, unnoticed by his brother as Kaiba was busy doing some heavy-duty hacking on the internet to get information on cloning.

* * *

Two days, sixteen angry complaint calls, and zero hours of sleep later, Kaiba stood in front of a machine of his own design, Mokuba watching carefully.

"Nii-sama, do you have to do this? I'm afraid something will go wrong and you'll create some sort of deformity on yourself," said Mokuba nervously.

Kaiba's eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep as he waved, "I'm fine! If this is what I have to do to beat Yugi, it's what I have to do!"

Mokuba crossed his arms, "I thought you were doing this so you could take care of the company."

Kaiba blinked embarrassedly before shakily saying, "Yeah, that too."

Strapping himself into the machine, he gave the okay to press the big red button. The machine started lighting up in pretty rainbow colors as the electricity zapped the older Kaiba brother. A big pouf of light and Mokuba heard three sets of coughing in the fog.

"Seto!" Mokuba cried, worried that the experiment had gone horribly wrong. His eyes went wide as not one, not two, but three 'Seto's' ran to him. "Woah."

All three of the Kaiba's blinked at each other, surprised that it worked, "Well, that just proves my superior brain," said one.

"Excuse me, but I believe you mean my brain," argued another.

"No! He means me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

Mokuba looked back and forth exasperatedly, "Who's the real Seto?"

"I am!" came the answer from all three followed by bickering.

Mokuba groaned and asked, "Who's the president of Kaiba Corp?"

"Me!" all answered and continued bickering.

"Who's my brother?"

"It's me!" even more bickering.

…

Mokuba raised an eyebrow, "Who has a Blue Eyes plushie?"

The two spirited clones said, "I do!" while the third stood in silence, a slight blush on his face.

Gleefully Mokuba ran to the third, "Nii-sama!" After a hug, the dark haired boy looked between the three. _The look identical. Count on brother to have the perfect technology so I can't tell the difference._ Searching around the room, he found two dangly little Hello Kitty keychains, one green and one red. Walking over to the first clone, he attached the red one to his belt. He repeated the process on the second clone and the green keychain. Standing back in front of the two, he pointed to the one with the red Hello Kitty, "Nii-san." Pointing to the green Hello Kitty, "Onii-chan." Just to clarify, he pointed at his real brother, "Nii-sama. Got it?"

The two clones looked at each other and the small token they'd gotten from they new little brother, "Hai."

Seto smiled at his brother's genius plan of keeping track of them, "Terrific. Now, since the tournament is going to start tomorrow, we'll need to make plans. Naturally-"

"-the company is the foremost priority," finished Nii-san.

"Mm-hm," nodded Kaiba, "As such, I'll have you-" he did eanie meanie miny moe before choosing Onii-chan, "-take care of business around here."

"Aye sir!" Onii-chan saluted.

"Also, I need publicity taken care of," Kaiba pondered, then said to Nii-san, "You can do that. I'll be left to take care of Yugi." He let out the crazy and kinda sexy laugh that he was famous for, "Though, I must say, this plan has a flaw. Since we can't let people know that I'm sort of cheating to beat Yugi and keep my business afloat, no one can ever know I perfected cloning!"

Mokuba muttered, "Such a tragedy."

* * *

Kaiba didn't just have one flaw, there were others that he couldn't have predicted. It turned out that Onii-chan wasn't exactly Kaiba material, he had a silly streak and not as many brains. During dinner, Kaiba had to constantly avoid the flying food coming from Onii-chan's side of the table as he was attempting to hit Nii-san. Mokuba had fun though. Their peaceful meal had turned into a food fight between Onii-chan and Mokuba, forcing Nii-san and Kaiba to leave for bed early.

And Onii-chan's lack of intelligence and finesse wasn't the only problem. It turned out Nii-san, the brighter of the two, was also the more prideful and arrogant of the two, maybe even more than Kaiba on a good day. When he was trying go to sleep, Nii-san would stomp into his room, saying how the guest room was so terribly tacky and too small for him because of his claustrophobia. Kaiba finally told him to shut up or he'd let him sleep in his closet.

Finally, after a rather restless night, Kaiba woke up, "Mm, don't worry Blue Eyes, you're still the best even if that stupid magician beat you." Trying to hug at his beloved BEWD plush, he gasped when he couldn't. "NNNAAAANNNIIIII!" he dashed down the stairs in his blue robe and Blue Eyes slippers until he got to the breakfast table. Fueled by senseless and humorous anger, he pointed at the kidnapper, "You. Stole. Blue Eyes."

Holding the plush, Onii-chan smiled and waved, "Ohayo, Nii-sama!"

Mokuba sat next to him smiling, "Aw, don't get so mad Nii-sama, we were just playing with it."

Stomping over to the pair, he snatched his plushie and went to his seat, only to find Nii-san sitting in his chair, "Nani…" he growled deeply.

Nii-san huffed, "I don't like that seat. This one's much more comfortable and just better. Obviously it goes to me."

Steam started coming out of Kaiba's head as he sat grudgingly on the defective chair. He blinked to get himself to wake up, "So, we all know our duties, correct?" he glared at Nii-san.

Nii-san took a sip of coffee, "I shall attend to the public and keep the press under control during the time of the tournament where you will be attending to the duty of collecting puzzle cards." Kaiba nodded.

Onii-chan smiled, "And I'll be here, solving all the customer's problems and working on new tests and stuff!"

Kaiba's face burned, "Actually, you'll be behind the scenes and play with Mokuba. I'd much rather have Roland take over here than you." Onii-chan sniffled a little at the comment but cheered up that he could hang out with Mokuba.

Nii-san stood up and picked up a towel, "Shall we prepare ourselves for the day?"

Kaiba's face was still red from Nii-san trying to take over, "Yeah, yeah, just let me put my $70 of Blue Eyes plush back in my room."

Soon enough, they were all prepared for their duties. Kaiba and Nii-san wore their identical trenchcoat outfits, Nii-san adorned with the red Hello Kitty, should Mokuba and Onii-chan go out and find one of them. Onii-chan had on the same black pants and shirt, with a green vest and still the Hello Kitty.

Waving goodbye, Kaiba went on to the center of town, hiding on the top of a building so he wouldn't be seen. Nii-san went to the blimp where he could announce the tournament, catching the paparazzi on the way. Onii-chan and Mokuba went down to the secret room where Kaiba had been before and played Dr. Brain on the computer.

Kaiba himself watched the blimp beginning to come to the town. _Soon I can find Yugi and defeat him! This is terrific. Science shall always triumph!_ Doing a little ego-maniac dance, he stopped and hid when he saw the door open to the roof. _Who could possibly come up here?_ He gasped as he saw his tricolored-haired nemesis walk out into the sunlight. _Yes! As soon as the tournament starts, I can finish him off and that will be that!_

His thoughts were put on hold when he saw his face on the huge tv on the blimp. "Greetings duelists!" came his voice and Kaiba almost choked, "Too arrogant sounding. And look at the way his coat just fans out behind him, that has to be special effects." He covered his mouth when Yugi looked over his shoulder, hearing him.

Watching the rest of Nii-san's speech, he was glad when it ended and Yugi was beginning to walk back down. Taking his chance, Kaiba jumped out in front of him, "Yugi! Let's duel! I will defeat you this time!"

Yugi blinked, stared, then blinked again, before smiling, "Oh, you must be a Kaiba cosplayer for this tournament. Wow, he really went all out to beat me, huh?" Yugi patted Kaiba on the arm since he couldn't reach his shoulder, "You're pretty convincing. I'd work on your attitude though. You kinda came off a little immature there." Running through the door and down the stairs, Kaiba was left on the roof.

The brunette started banging his head on the wall, "He didn't recognize me! He believed that that _clone_ was me! I missed my chance to beat him! NOOOOOO!" Kaiba stood up on the roof for awhile feeling sorry for himself before it occurred to him that he could still just run into Yugi again sometime by locating him with his computer.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Onii-chan stared into the computer screen, watching Mokuba kick butt at computer poker.

_I wonder what Nii-sama is doing. Probably having fun dueling Yugi… and beating him. We are the most superior duelists in the world._

That got him thinking.

_If we're the most powerful duelists in the world, then all three of us can beat Yugi. So what am I doing in here! I shall beat Yugi!_

Jumping up from his chair, little Mokuba blinked at him, "Uh, Onii-chan, what are you doing?"

Onii-chan got an evil, sadistic, arrogant look to his face, "I'M GOING TO DEFEAT YUGI!" In his spazz, he rushed out of the room and out the building.

Mokuba watched him go and slapped his head with his hand, "Not another one with Yugi-fever."

* * *

Nii-san just faced another batch of cameras and press badges when he hid in a back alley of Battle City.

_Why am I doing this? A man of my level should not have to ward off such inferior creatures. I should beat Yugi! I'll find him and I'll beat him, and then I'LL be the real Seto Kaiba! BWAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHH!_

Nii-san strapped on a duel disk and pulled out his own laptop to search for Yugi's position. Finding it he smirked, "Good. My prey is close." Stalking off down the street, he ran over his entire strategy, before nearly getting killed by flashbulbs.

* * *

Kaiba looked at the map of the city with the directions he'd made to get to Yugi, "Not to far now, he's only a block or so away." Tucking the paper away, he ran until he got to an intersection and who did he see across the mass of cars? YUGI! Kaiba smirked in his trademark smirk, "Got 'em." He ran across the street when the light changed.

* * *

Onii-chan didn't use technology to find Yugi. He apparently had a _really_ good nose, so he sniffed his way to Yugi. Odd, yes. But he did find him. Walking through an alley, he spotted the target right ahead of him, constantly checking his watch as though he was waiting for something. "Game's over."

* * *

Nii-san walked down the street, closing in on Yugi, "He's here." Speeding up to a run, he stood next to Yugi and shouted:

"Face me, Yugi!"

This would have been formidable enough if it hadn't been for the fact that Kaiba and Onii-chan also said the same thing at the same time from different directions. Yugi didn't know which way to turn.

"Er…" the trihaired boy looked all around him, "Uh, Kaiba? Kaiba? And… _Kaiba_?" his eyes rolled around, "What's going on?"

All three Kaiba's started talking at once, "Well, you see… it all began like this… can't exactly explain it… too complicated… what they said…"

Yugi faced the Kaiba who'd approached him from his left, the real Kaiba, "Kaiba what's going on?"

Kaiba blinked, then smiled very un-Kaiba like, "You know me! You knew I was the real one!" he hugged at the little boy desperately.

Yugi froze, "Well, one of them's not even dressed right, and the other one's wearing a Hello Kitty keychain on his belt. I figured you looked the most sane." He looked at the guy clutching to him, "Though now, I might reconsider that assumption."

Nii-san walked up to Yugi, shoving Kaiba out of the way, "Forget about this loser. Duel me, Yugi!"

Onii-chan shoved Nii-san out of the way, "No, duel me!"

"I'm his real opponent!" shouted Kaiba.

Nii-san threw Yugi out of the way and jumped back, "We'll have to settle this the old fashioned way. We'll duel for Yugi!"

"That didn't sound right," muttered Yugi.

"Three way duel!" shouted Onii-chan.

A crowd of people surrounded them and just figured that they were all Kaiba cosplayers (for whatever reason) and they were doing an act. "Let's duel you guys!" "Kick those other guys' butts!" "Use the Heart of the Cards!"

The duel started. Nii-san summoned first, "I summon Vorse Raider!"

Onii-chan went next, "_I_ summon Vorse Raider!"

Kaiba went, "I summon…" he sighed, "Vorse Raider."

"This'll be really boring," Yugi raised his eyebrows at the scene, it was like watching Kaiba in a three way mirror.

"Not really," said Mokuba from behind him, scaring him half to death, "Since Nii-sama had his deck on him when he cloned himself, his deck was also cloned, so they all have three Blue Eyes."

Yugi double-taked, "Back up a second! Kaiba… cloned himself!" he thought for a second, "I could see that happening, yes. Anything else?"

"Well," Mokuba pulled out a journal he'd written things down in, "It looks like they all received Seto's personality more or less and they all have the same desire to defeat you-"

"Terrific," Yugi said sarcastically.

"-but thankfully, I was able to find something to fix all of this and right the terrible scientific wrong that Nii-sama has done." Mokuba pulled out a book, "It says that if the original uses it's most powerful attack on the clones they'll be destroyed."

"Oh, yea," Yugi thought, "Does Kaiba know this?"

Mokuba blinked, "Nah, but he'll probably beat them anyway because he's destined to be the greatest duelist, even if he doesn't believe in destiny." Yugi and Mokuba watched as the clones' attacks lowered Kaiba's life points to 100, "Well, maybe it's just not his day."

Kaiba threw back his head and screamed, "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN'T BE DEFEATED NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

* * *

The tv went fuzzy before showing Mokuba sitting at a desk, "And that children… is why you don't mess with cloning, because it'll mess up your life. Just take a look at this fine specimen-" a picture of the older Kaiba brother came up on the screen, "He had everything… but he did cloning." The clip changed to Kaiba in a dark alley, getting mugged by two Kaiba look-alikes, "The cloning takes over your life until there's nothing left but a jiggling mess of goo," Kaiba turned into ectoplasm and started yelling stuff like, 'I coulda fought betta!'

Mokuba shook his head, "This is what happens when you mess with technology and mother nature." In big lettering, DON'T DO CLONES came on the screen with credits.

"This has been an educational video by Kaiba Corporation."

* * *

What did you think? I can't read minds, so you better review!


End file.
